the one in which derek’s dick disappears
this is for hatteress, meechwoods, wolftraps, keriarentikai, oliverbolliverbutts and everyone that i met at bitecon who endured my ridiculously cracky fic idea that one night in the bar where i talked about derek’s dick going missing. (inspired by this awesome kirk/spock fic.)
dubious consent trigger warning: a dick is used for sexytimes w/o dick owner’s explicit permission under the influence of questionable magic.
this is crack. rated explicit.
Derek wakes up from his afternoon nap to find that his dick is gone. It is literally gone; there is nothing there, and he’s as flat as a Ken doll.
You’ve reached the voicemail of Dr. Alan Deaton, leave a message at the tone.
Derek curses and decides to drive down to the clinic, only to find a definite “Closed” sign and no signs of Deaton anywhere.
He calls Scott.
"Oh, Deaton went out of town, man, what’s up? Is there a supernatural emergency?"
Derek winces, and looks down at himself. His pants feel oddly empty and there’s a huge part of him that is screaming, “YES, MY DICK IS GONE AND I WANT IT BACK RIGHT NOW” but he has no inclination of telling Scott any of this. “No, nothing is going on,” Derek tells Scott, and hangs up.
This probably has something to do with the fairy mound they had relocated out of the Preserve yesterday. Derek thought the meeting had gone well, but obviously not.
Anyways, it’s not life threatening. Some sort of magical prank, probably. He’ll deal with it until Deaton gets back. He’ll just…go about the rest of his day without his dick. Yeah.
GUYS I REALLY NEED TO WRITE THIS EVEN THOUGH IT’S BADWRONG AND DEPRAVED:
I WANT AN AU IN WHICH STILES IS THE SON OF THE KING/CHIEFTAIN AND IT IS CONSIDERED TRADITION FOR EVERY MEMBER OF THE ROYAL FAMILY TO HAVE THEIR VERY OWN TAME WEREWOLVES FROM BIRTH, LIKE, THEIR VERY OWN LIFELONG FURRY BODYGUARDS
THE WEREWOLVES ARE TRAPPED IN THEIR WOLF BODIES BY MAGICAL COLLARS THAT ALSO FORCE THEM TO BE OBEDIENT TO AND PROTECTIVE OF THE PERSON THEY’RE SUPPOSED TO GUARD
ANYWAY, PRINCE STILES IS BORN AND IS DEREK IS IMMEDIATELY “ASSIGNED” TO HIM
AND WATCHES OVER HIM AND WATCHES HIM GROW, RIGHT FROM THE CRADLE ONWARDS; DEREK LETS A BABY STILES PULL ON HIS FUR AND GIGGLE AND FALL ASLEEP AGAINST HIM; DEREK FOLLOWS A TODDLER STILES AROUND TO MAKE SURE HE DOESN’T FALL AND HURT HIMSELF OR PICK UP THE WRONG SORTS OF THINGS AND EAT THEM; DEREK SITS NEXT TO A YOUNG STUDENT STILES AS STILES IS SUBJECTED TO HOURS OF BORING LESSONS FROM PRIVATE TUTORS AND AMUSES HIMSELF BY PLAYING CATCH WITH DEREK’S WAVING TAIL; DEREK SETTLES AT STILES’S FEET DURING DINNERTIME AND GENTLY TAKES FOOD FROM STILES’S FINGERS WHEN STILES REACHES DOWN TO FEED HIM
IT DOESN’T TAKE LONG FOR DEREK TO REALIZE THAT HE’S STARTED TO CARE ABOUT THE STILINSKI HEIR MORE THAN HE SHOULD, THAT IT’S GONE BEYOND MAGIC AND RIGHT INTO HIS HEART, BECAUSE ALL HE WANTS IS FOR STILES TO BE SAFE, FOR STILES TO BE HAPPY, AND IT’S -
IT’S HORRIFYING BECAUSE DEREK IS BEING FORCED INTO THIS SERVITUDE, AND HE FEELS BETRAYED BY HIS OWN MIND BECAUSE HE’S STARTING TO LIKE IT, TO WANT IT, TO NEED IT BECAUSE IT ALLOWS HIM TO CURL AROUND STILES AT NIGHT AND KEEP STILES WARM
DEREK HATES BEING TRAPPED IN HIS WOLF’S BODY, HATES TRYING SO HARD TO MAINTAIN HIS HUMANITY IN AN ANIMAL’S BODY, BUT HE LOVES STILES, LOVES STILES LIKE HE WOULD LOVE HIS OWN CUB, LIKE HE WOULD LOVE HIS OWN…
AND THAT’S - THAT’S HORRIFIC, BECAUSE DEREK HAS ALL BUT RAISED STILES, AND YES, STILES IS SIXTEEN, NOW, BUT HE’S STILL YOUNG AND DEREK IS A BEAST UNSUITED TO HIM, NOT EVEN HUMAN, A WOLF WITH SLAVERING JAWS AND TALONED PAWS, MADE TO REND AND KILL, AND LOVE SHOULD BE BEYOND HIM, BUT IT ISN’T, EVEN THOUGH IT’S SO WRONG
MAYBE IT’S BECAUSE DEREK HASN’T SPENT TIME WITH ANYONE OTHER THAN STILES FOR YEARS AND YEARS; MAYBE IT’S BECAUSE STILES’S SCENT IS THE ONLY SCENT HE RECOGNIZES AS PACK ANYMORE
OR MAYBE IT’S JUST SOME ROOT OF EVIL WITHIN DEREK, TO DESIRE A GROWING STILES LIKE THIS, AND MAYBE THAT EVIL IS WHY DEREK HAS BEEN SPELLED INTO SERVITUDE IN THE FIRST PLACE, MAYBE THIS IS WHY HE’S BEING PUNISHED
AND IT DOESN’T HELP THAT STILES LOVES HIM BACK, ALBEIT FAR MORE INNOCENTLY; IT DOESN’T HELP THAT STILES IS AS PROTECTIVE OF HIM AS HE IS OF STILES; IT DOESN’T HELP THAT STILES SEEMS LESS CLOSE TO OTHER HUMAN BEINGS THAN HE DOES TO DEREK, THAT STILES PREFERS SPENDING TIME WITH DEREK RATHER THAN THE GIRLS AND BOYS HE’S INTRODUCED TO AS POTENTIAL SPOUSES, THE GIRLS AND BOYS THAT MAKE DEREK WANT TO DESTROY THEM FOR SO MUCH AS HOPING FOR STILES’S TOUCH, FOR STILES’S FAVOR, FOR STILES’S BODY
BECAUSE IT’S A BODY THAT DEREK WANTS TO CLAIM AS HIS OWN, BESTIAL AS HE IS, AND HE FEELS MORE AND MORE LIKE HE’S A DANGER TO STILES, BUT HE STILL CAN’T LEAVE, STILL CAN’T PULL AWAY, BECAUSE HE IS AS BOUND TO STILES BY DESIRE AS HE IS BY MAGIC
AND THEN ONE NIGHT, WARM AND NAKED IN BED AND WITH HIS ARMS WRAPPED AROUND DEREK, STILES WHISPERS: “I SWEAR IT SEEMS LIKE YOU KNOW ME, SOMETIMES, THAT YOU GET ME, AND - AND I KNOW THEY TOLD ME NEVER TO TAKE YOUR COLLAR OFF, THAT YOU’D GO BERSERK AND KILL ME, BUT I DON’T… I DON’T BELIEVE THEM. I JUST DON’T. YOU’RE MINE, AND I’M YOURS, RIGHT? YOU COULDN’T HURT ME ANY MORE THAN YOU COULD HURT YOURSELF. SO I’M… I’M TAKING IT OFF, AND I’M - I WANT YOU TO BE WITH ME ‘CAUSE YOU’RE FREE, YOU KNOW? NOT BECAUSE YOU’RE BOUND. YOU’RE NOT MY PET; YOU’VE NEVER BEEN MY PET. YOU’RE MY FRIEND.”
AND DEREK’S SOUL BURNS AT THAT, BURNS WITH VICTORY AT BEING LOVED SO TRULY, AND BURNS WITH DEFEAT AT BEING LABELED A FRIEND, BUT HOW ELSE WOULD STILES VIEW AN ANIMAL? STILES DOESN’T KNOW THAT WEREWOLVES ARE PART-HUMAN; IT’S BEEN KEPT FROM HIM, LIKE IT’S BEEN KEPT FROM EVERY ROYAL HEIR UNTIL IT’S THEIR TIME TO INHERIT
DEREK HOLDS HIS BREATH AS STILES TAKES OFF THE COLLAR, AS STILES HOLDS HIS BREATH AS WELL - AND THEN, IN A SURGE OF MAGIC, DEREK IS FREE
AND HE TRANSFORMS, UNSTOPPABLY, SNARLING AS HIS BONES LENGTHEN AND HIS FORM CHANGES, AND HE HEARS STILES GASP BENEATH HIM, SUDDENLY SKIN-TO-SKIN AGAINST DEREK AS DEREK LOOMS OVER HIM AND TRAPS STILES’S WRISTS IN ONE HAND AND PLACES THE OTHER OVER STILES’S MOUTH
"DON’T SCREAM," DEREK SAYS, HIS HUMAN VOICE DISUSED AND HOARSE, AS STILES STARES UP AT HIM WITH WIDE, FRIGHTENED EYES
Not Like Bond & Moneypenny // WhoNatural
" Stiles thinks he’s finally getting a break when a job at the sleek, sophisticated, Alpha Magazine opens up - but soon realises he’s not going to be writing anything and instead is playing tutor-slash-babysitter to their new Editor-in-Chief. Derek’s spoiled, grumpy, in way over his head…and so painfully attractive it makes Stiles want to lick his face. So there’s very little choice in the matter."
A slow-burn Phone Sex AU
(because I never really believe those ‘instant connection’ phone sex stories. I want a gradual connection, a slow burn, where they fall in love over time and it’s probably leading to heartache, but neither wants to stop)
Where Stiles is marketed as a ‘Fantasy Artist’ which he thinks is ridiculous. Call it what it is: he’s a phone sex professional. He gets paid to talk people through sex and make seemingly spontaneous noises. It’s perfect for him, and he’s good at it. He makes a decent amount of money for it, too. More than he’d make working at Costco anyway.
So this has been Stiles’ job for the past 7 years.
Derek has been his loyal customer for the past 6 and a half.
At first he isn’t special, just another person Stiles had enough success reading over the phone that they came back a few weeks later. You can get to know someone pretty well, in Stiles’ job. He knows that Derek describes himself as having green eyes and dark hair. Says he’s fit and his face is ‘ok.’ Everyone lies. Stiles is in the business of fantasy - everyone says they look like a god. Stiles goes along with it, because it’s his job to give the customer their fantasy, but in the back of his mind he figures Derek is the opposite of fit. Maybe he has some weight on. Maybe he’s scrawny. Either way, Derek needs to hear someone say how attractive he is, and that’s what Stiles does.
Steve Rogers doesn’t know about Luke’s dad.
…What did that Avengers Tower movie night look like?
"Okay, I’ve got historical events and music so far. What movies do I need to see?" Steve asks, breaking out his notebook.
“Some Like It Hot,” Bruce says immediately.
“Robin Hood,” Clint puts in, to no one’s surprise.
Steve smiles. “Errol Flynn?”
“Men in Tights.”
Natasha looks up from where she’s curled in an armchair. “The Sound of Music?”
Clint snorts. “I think he might object to the singing Nazis, Nat.”
Steve just raises an eyebrow. “Singing Nazis?” That one goes on the list.
"Ooh, in that case, Pearl Harbor,” Tony says.
A chorus of groans and protests meet his statement.
"What? I kind of want to see his head explode."
Steve does not put that one on the list. “Anything else?”
“Star Wars,” Darcy says, without looking up from her phone.
The room goes silent. Everyone stops and stares at her like they’ve forgotten she stuck around after Jane went back to New Mexico. Which they probably have.
"Darce, you’re a genius,” Clint breathes.
Bruce actually smiles. “We are in the presence of the last unspoiled adult in the entire country.”
Tony’s eyes light up. “Oh my god, he doesn’t know that Vader is—”
Natasha has him in a choke-hold before anyone realizes she’s moving. “Not another syllable.”
Tony raises his hands in surrender, and Natasha loosens her hold. “What the hell was that about?” he wheezes.
She nods towards Bruce, who is looking somewhat green around the gills.
"Spoilers make him angry."
fuck okay so I'm not sure if you're taking prompts but have you seen that video of hoechlin twerking(?) and then doing A BACKFLIP. ?!!? hmm so in summary like cheerleader au where derek is on the fucking cheersquad and yes. butttts.
OH JEEZ I missed out on Hoechlin shaking his ass because I was in Toronto with my sister. But…
"Oh yes," Scott says with a grin. "Yes, Stiles."
"This is impossible."
Isaac leans back from Scott’s laptop with a look of admiration. “You’ve gotta admit, he’s pretty good.”
Pretty good?! Derek is more than ‘pretty good’. He’s fantastic. Not that Stiles knows all that much about cheerleading, outside of Bring It On and its sequels. Derek doesn’t seem to know much about it either, if the video is anything to go by. He’s younger, thinner, and has a lot less beard, but that is definitely their iron-fisted store manager shaking his ass along with a group of cheerleaders.
"2006 was a good year," Scott says.
"I’d say it’s more of a booty-quake," Isaac says. "This is a revelation and a half."
stiles sliding into bed in the early morning hours because it’s finals week and he’s studying like crazy and he’s so tired and stressed out
derek rolling over to face him and tucking stiles into him, wrapping his arm around stiles’ waist, kissing the top of stiles’ head and rubbing soothing patterns into stiles’ skin with his fingertips until stiles falls asleep
stiles waking up every morning just this close to too late and derek having already made him coffee and toast, kissing him goodbye and muttering that he’s gonna be great against his lips right before stiles stumbles out the door
stiles studying on the couch with his feet in derek’s lap and derek rubbing them absentmindedly while he’s reading a book with his glasses on, and stiles getting distracted from time to time as derek pushes them up his nose
derek and stiles having steamy passionate celebratory sex week when finals week is finally over ಥ⌣ಥ
Do we have the obligatory dreamwalking fic yet? Because I think it should be porn.
Hear me out: They both have the dreams, right? It starts out innocent - just chatting, hanging out, talking about their day, confiding in each other, you know… But every time it gets a little more intimate. They start touching, because why not? It’s just a dream. Then it’s hugging. Cuddling. Kissing. And - well. Basically, at one point, they start fucking like bunnies and then there’s no stopping it.
But of course, while the whole sex-in-dreams thing is going on, they’re also friends in real life, and the intimacy bleeds through, for both of them. They have to constantly remind themselves not to touch. There’s a lot of finger counting and arm pinching. (Stiles hates it when he has five fingers.)
It goes on like this for months, until they know each other so well that when Stiles has to crash at Derek’s one night, the first thing out of Derek’s mouth is: “But you don’t have your pillow.” And Stiles is like, “Yeah, but I’m about to collapse anyway, so…”
One second they’re nodding at each other, sleepy and woozy, the next - their world is upside down.
sterek au: fireman!derek and waiter!stiles
happy birthday to my dear friend, attoliancrown. just some fluff to make you smile on your birthday! <3 love you!!!
Stiles watches the diner boredly from behind the counter while Lydia reties her apron for the four hundredth time in an attempt to achieve the perfect bow and Allison refills sugar containers. He’s waiting for table 12’s order from Scott and Isaac, and from their laughs floating in from the kitchen, that’s not going to happen soon.
His eyes cut over to the door when the bell jingles, and two ridiculously attractive men walk in. “Mine!” Stiles nearly yells, rushing around the counter before Lydia even has time to look up from her crooked bow.
“Hey, no fair! It’s my turn!” she hisses, and Stiles feels no remorse at all when he stops in front of the table, out of breath and red-faced. The two guys look up at him, and even with the one look of confused amusement and the other of pure disdain, it is so worth it. God, Grumpy Beard is the hottest thing to ever enter this diner. Or maybe enter planet Earth. And, oh god, he’s wearing a fitted black button up uniform shirt like his companion. A fireman. Stiles tries not to pop a boner right there.
“Hey, welcome to Wolf Road Diner. I’m Stiles, I’ll be taking care of all of your needs, well, food wise, I mean, um…would you like anything to drink?” Stiles flicks his pen nervously against his pad, his face burning with embarrassment. Grumpy Beard’s friend, who is only slightly less attractive, gives him a creepy closed-lipped smile. Grumpy Beard looks like he wants to murder Stiles in his sleep.
“Two waters, and two burger plates,” he says, and wow, that voice is not what Stiles expected. It’s almost…soft. As Stiles nods and takes the scribbled order to the window, he briefly imagines what it’d sound like in his ear, with the fireman’s long hot –
“You ass!” Lydia slaps his arm, hard. “That was my table, and you know it!”
“Lydia, I…I had to. Did you see the dark-haired one? He’s like every wet dream I’ve ever had come to life. After this, I’ll have spank bank material for at least two months.”
Lydia wrinkles her nose. “Ew, Stiles, really? You’re disgusting. I don’t know why I talk to you.”
“You love me, shut up.”
Stiles manages to not embarrass himself in front of Grumpy Beard and Hot Friend, and he learns that Vernon Milton Boyd IV is the friend, and Grumpy Beard is a caveman who is afraid of debit cards. But he leaves Stiles a four dollar tip on an eight dollar meal, so Grumpy can stay in the stone age for all Stiles cares. Plus, stone age means no shirt, score.
Random Sterek Fic Rec List!
I decided to do a quick fic rec list. I’ve read some fics during the last weeks to cheer me up and to distract myself from RL issues and these ones gave me a lot of joy in many different ways:
Aftershocked - NC-17
Happens after 3B. Derek and Stiles are together during an earthquake and they get trapped inside Stiles’ jeep. I loved how realistic everything felt, especially the characters and their relationships.
discord and rhyme - PG-13
Office AU! Derek just has no luck with interns until Stiles comes in and changes everything… for the better :D Bonus: Scott has a really popular TV show, it’s hilarious!
Hands Together - NC-17
Stiles gets kidnapped by hunters and that’s how he meets Derek, who’s in a cell right next to him, and he’s been there for god knows how long. Happy ending, obviously :))
heart-flower - PG-13
Flowers are a representation of each one’s heart, mind and soul. And touching someone’s flower is like touching their heart. It’s beautiful!
I stopped believing in happy endings - PG-13
High School AU where Derek is not popular, but Stiles is. There’s a mutual crush and also miscommunication. It’s very cheesy and very much perfect and delicious :D
i want to say all those things that would be better unsaid - NC-17
Derek is a teacher and he’s lonely, so Erica, his coworker, gives him the phone number to a sexline, where he meets a really nice guy that becomes a lot more than he intended to. Stiles is a student and he’s part of Derek’s department. He may
or may nothave a crush on Derek.
Move A Mountain - NC-17
CAMPING AU! Stiles and his friends go camping and that’s where he meets Derek (*whispers* biker!Derek) and it’s a perfect summer love story. Just by talking about it makes me want to read it again.
soulmates tbh - PG-13
Soooo sooo perfect. I wish this wasn’t so short, because this could have been easily a 30k fic. It’s beautiful!
with bloody feet across the hallowed ground - PG-13
I only read this fic now and it was so good. I just couldn’t stop reading it. It starts with Stiles shooting Derek. Yup, just read it. I promise it’s amazing. I wouldn’t mind this to be canon, at all!