the one in which derek’s dick disappears


this is for hatteress, meechwoods, wolftraps, keriarentikai, oliverbolliverbutts and everyone that i met at bitecon who endured my ridiculously cracky fic idea that one night in the bar where i talked about derek’s dick going missing. (inspired by this awesome kirk/spock fic.)

dubious consent trigger warning: a dick is used for sexytimes w/o dick owner’s explicit permission under the influence of questionable magic.

this is crack. rated explicit.

[also on the a03]


Derek wakes up from his afternoon nap to find that his dick is gone. It is literally gone; there is nothing there, and he’s as flat as a Ken doll. 

You’ve reached the voicemail of Dr. Alan Deaton, leave a message at the tone. 

Derek curses and decides to drive down to the clinic, only to find a definite “Closed” sign and no signs of Deaton anywhere. 

He calls Scott. 

"Oh, Deaton went out of town, man, what’s up? Is there a supernatural emergency?" 

Derek winces, and looks down at himself. His pants feel oddly empty and there’s a huge part of him that is screaming, “YES, MY DICK IS GONE AND I WANT IT BACK RIGHT NOW” but he has no inclination of telling Scott any of this. “No, nothing is going on,” Derek tells Scott, and hangs up. 

This probably has something to do with the fairy mound they had relocated out of the Preserve yesterday. Derek thought the meeting had gone well, but obviously not. 

Anyways, it’s not life threatening. Some sort of magical prank, probably. He’ll deal with it until Deaton gets back. He’ll just…go about the rest of his day without his dick. Yeah. 

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Bitecon Peeps!

I’m gonna be taking off at 4pm this afternoon, so if you see me floating around and wanna do the flail-intensive greeting of the fans now’s your time to shine.

I’ll probably be hanging around the bar for most of the afternoon with a possible detour to check out the Heroic Monomyth fan panel. Aim for the chick in the rainbow beanie!

"Too often we see female characters pitted against each other for jobs or for men. While the ladies on Brooklyn Nine-Nine are certainly competitive, they do not tear each other down or view each other as rivals. [They] are all wildly different characters, but they come together to support each other as friends and colleagues." (x)

(Source: amygina, via jerakeenc)